Greetings all! This week is going to be a shorter hello. It is one of those weeks where every single day I have a FULL schedule. Also, my sister who lives across the country had a baby girl a few days ago! So I am distracted and focused on family stuff in addition to one of my busiest schedules in weeks. You all know what I am talking about, I’m sure.
So, I am going to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot this year. Fear. Specifically the fear of doing something or creating something and then putting it out there for the world to see and enjoy… and criticize.
I am not sure at what point in my life I starting equating the things that I made or did or produced with my self-worth but, man! That has made it very tough to be willing to share my creative endeavors with others. I have a very loud inner critic that tells me constantly that “no one cares what you have to say.” “You have nothing unique to offer the world.” “Why should anybody listen to YOU?” “You are not smart enough to offer any kind of advice or teaching.”
The logical part of my brain knows that isn’t true. It’s the anxious and scared part of me that has been so loud for a lot of my life. Basically, I have this voice that just screams: “Who do you think you are??”
Well, I have an answer now. I am Stefanie. I am here. My story matters and my voice is important. I care about the world and have unique ideas and gifts.
We learn from each other’s stories. We learn so much by sharing. I have learned SO MUCH from listening to other people. Teachers, educators, scientists, leaders, spiritual teachers, regular people, poets, artists, musicians. I learn so so much from other people. Why not add to the conversations? We truly have the ability to enrich each other’s lives with what we share.
I am working on more creative endeavors right now than I have before because I have taken away the walls that I was bumping against. Walls that I allowed to be built. They were made up of many criticisms I have received through the years. Criticisms from people that love me, mainly. Including myself. The people I love have a great influence over me. I still very much care what they think. And, I am going to put more words and work out there in the world because… I want to.
I am still terrified by the way. Absolutely. I just am so tired of TALKING about doing things and ready to actually DO the things! It’s time.
I ordered this card from Brad Montague this week. It is exactly how I have been feeling lately!
Also, I do have to mention that countless studies have been done about people of different genders and how they apply for jobs. Women tend to not even apply for a job that they feel like has even one tiny requirement that they don’t think they are qualified for. Men apply for jobs almost no matter what. They have always been told they are qualified for what they want. Women have always had to earn our place. It pisses me off. I am so tired of questioning myself constantly and seeking validation from men, in particular, before I will even move forward with something that is important to me. I have done that many many MANY times in my life.
So, I am done. Done talking myself out of being creative. Done making impossible goals for myself knowing that they will never be reached and using that as an excuse not to do anything.
I was chatting with a friend today and she said to me: “You know, I think I am way more terrified of what I CAN do than what I CAN’T do.” And damn, that hit home. I have always been so scared of being seen. Truly seen. My original thoughts and ideas and songs and poems being out in the world to be scrutinized. My Self being seen. Wanting attention. Sometimes I do want attention. I want to be seen.
(Even typing that up made my heart rate rise… I’m a work in progress).
I have so much I want to do. So much I want to create. So much I want to be.
Look out world! I’ve been unleashed!
Sending love to you all out there in the ether. Go out and do something that scares you today.
Love, Stef
I am absolutely in LOVE with Kacey Musgraves new Album and song, Deeper Well. Take a listen here. It resonates with me so much right now.