Warts and all
On being seen
I think that most of the time we get into arguments and fights it’s because we are not feeling seen. We are trying to convey an idea, and it’s not getting across or it’s being misunderstood- it could be willfully or not. Most of the time we get angry, it’s because we don’t understand why others feel the way they do. It doesn’t make sense why they are voting or speaking or acting differently than we are.
I consider myself an observationalist. I have been observing people very keenly since I was a small child. It is rare that someone says something like: “Did you see that guy? He was wearing a shirt that had a guy on it that looked just like dad!” or “Did you notice the old lady sitting in the corner?” and I don’t immediately answer, “Yep! I saw that! So crazy!” or “Yes, she looked so sad sitting by herself. I was worried about her.” You get the idea. I take in a lot in the rooms I am in. I observe details. People’s earrings, hats and shoes. Details of eyes, hair and fingernail color. I see each room as a grand picture and a part of my brain zooms in on the small details like the Mars rover honing in on tiny details and zooming in and out to see what they are… if you have seen the videos, you know what I am talking about.
I gather details in surroundings and also in emotion. I can read the vibe of a room very quickly. I am effected by people’s moods and overall energy. I tend to notice the people who are feeling bad or sad or sick first. I have trained myself to keep looking for the people who are happy, joyful and emanating goodness too. And, even with all of this, I still miss a lot of things. Especially as my own capacity has become more limited. The older my girls get, the more that is on my logistical and emotional plate, I have limited capacity to allow other things into my brain.
And therein lies the rub, we are all so overwhelmed with our lives that it is becoming harder and harder to notice each other.
Have you found yourself feeling lonely at all this year? Felt a little unseen? Felt like there wasn’t really anyone who understood all that you carry and take on?
While I know this is a very common feeling—one of feeling lonely, it just seems like it’s more prevalent for a lot of us right now. Even if you have a partner who loves you, even if you have a few good friends, there is just a lot of time that you still feel lonely and misunderstood.
Or, that is, I feel that way and I think it’s a feeling a lot of us share.
I have this deep desire to be understood. When someone is misunderstanding me, even if it is by their own will and egged on by their biases… I still am bothered by it. I am a Life coach who can help coach people through the emotion of needing to be understood and I do that for myself often. But, there is no cure for it. I have shifted my beliefs and I am able to move on when someone I care about doesn’t look at me and see the real me or understand me. I let myself feel the grief and sadness and it doesn’t weigh me down enough to hinder my own progress.
But it still just sucks. It makes me feel so alone when I am misunderstood. It’s especially hard when feelings become pawns in the political battle.
I have a husband who is a great person and he cares about what I think and how I feel. I care about what he thinks and how he feels too. And we still misunderstand each other ALL THE TIME! The person I am with the most who knows me better than anyone else who has heard me explain myself a kabillion times in our almost 19 years of being together still misunderstands me.
There is no possible way for us all to be inside each others brains and psyches. It’s so frustrating that we can’t just take a chip out of our brains and put it in someone else’s brain and have instant clarity and understanding of each other. It would sure make things a lot easier.
I know this time of year has a lot of hustle and bustle. That can be extra overwhelming when we are feeling lonely. So, I just wanted to say, if you have felt alone this year at all, you are not alone in that feeling. It is one of the most human things we can experience.
If you feel misunderstood, I would encourage you to start writing in a journal or making voice notes to keep. Writing down how you feel can help you process so much emotion and also give you valuable perspective as you look back on your life. It is also a ritual that helps release tension. The pen to paper and writing of things that are emotional and tough is an important part of letting go.
Quick reminder: unlock your jaw, relax your tongue and release your shoulders.
Maybe 2025 can be your year to lean into relaxation and release. Let’s try it together, shall we?
Sending love to you out there in the ether,
Stef