“I believe that the most significant thing you can give someone else is Time.” Those are the words that Oprah used to say at the beginning of every episode of Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. I loved that show and listen occasionally to the episodes I loved especially that you can find in Podcast form now.
That always stood out to me and resonated deeply with who I am. If I were to list one of my “love languages,” (although I know there are many more than 5 and that the person who invented them is a very problematic figure), one of mine would for sure be quality time. If you are someone who gives me your time or asks for mine repeatedly, I will be your loyal friend for life! I feel so loved when people want to be with me. I feel so seen when others ask for time together to get closer. I love spending time with my people!
I have had many people ask me why my husband and I choose to spend a month every summer taking our kids and traveling around the country in a car to visit family and friends. That feels very overwhelming and seems like a lot of work, they say. And they are correct. It is both of those things. I also know that we are so very fortunate to have jobs that allow us to take time away and work on the road so we can make it happen. Believe me, it is A LOT of work to prepare and save and work so we have the flexibility to make this 4- or 5-week trip.
But it is worth it to us because of time. We get so much time together as a family of 5. The car trips and road experiences together make for so many fun memories. My kids are great travelers. That is not to say that there are not difficulties. There are many. Sleeping at multiple homes and in multiple beds and spaces is challenging. One of my kids can get very overwhelmed and it does make for a ton of extra work on my part for her and a lot of patience.
I have one grandparent alive. She is very special to me. I lived with her and my grandpa when I was in college for 2 years and she and I have a very close relationship. Every minute I get to spend with her is precious. I want my kids to have memories of her that are theirs completely. She is 85 and doing really well but we just never know from one year to the next how it’s going to go. So we make sure to have time with her.
I have a great aunt and uncle who are in their mid-90’s. They have been married for over 70 years and still live on their own. We visit them every year to catch up, take some photos and I take the chance to ask them questions about their lives. They were teenagers in Western Colorado during World War II. I love asking them about what their life was like back then and how it was in Grand Junction, CO when they were raising a young family in the 50’s and 60’s. Time with these generations is priceless. They won’t be here too much longer.
My husband has a large extended family and they are all getting much older too. He has several people in their 80’s and 90’s.
You get the picture. My kids will have actual memories of their own with these older family members. They will not just know the names of their Great Great relatives, they will have visual memories and personal experiences.
This is priceless to me. Family has always been very important to me as human. I am also fortunate to have family that I like spending time with. I know that is not true for everyone. I do not take that for granted.
Even when family gets frustrated with us it’s usually because they want MORE time with us, not less. That is a pretty good problem to have.
We are gone from home for an entire month but we move around so much it is really like 4 or 5 small trips all smooshed up back to back. Cities we have been to on this trip include: Broomfield, CO, Meeker, CO, Spanish Fork, UT, Pleasant Grove, UT, Orem, UT, Moab, UT, Lake Powell, UT, Grand Junction, CO and Paola, KS. We spend time in all of these places with so many people it’s hard to keep track of numbers.
Every year after the trip is over, I think to myself: I don’t know if I want to do this next year. I get home and we are so exhausted. I am so tired from the physical part of driving so many hours and miles and sleeping in so many beds. I am emotionally exhausted from being around so many people and trying to keep my own emotions regulated while absorbing so many emotions from all of our family and friends. Being a very empathic person is actually quite draining if you cannot learn to separate your own emotions from the emotions of others. This may seem silly to those of you who do this naturally, but I am someone who has always been able to feel the emotions of those around me. I can find a person in a room who is the most sad, depressed or angry. I always am drawn to those in pain and suffering. I find people out in public crying all of the time. I can tell when emotions are high, and it has an effect on me. I feel anxiety, stress and anger from those around me. I used to think these feelings were my responsibility to manage. As I have gotten older, I have learned that I don’t have to be the one who makes everyone else feel better. I don’t have to take over and try and keep or make other people happy. But I have to consciously do that. I have to let go of the emotions that don’t originate from me. I have to tell myself it’s okay to let other people manage their own emotions, even if they are not good at it.
So being around so many people can be so emotionally draining for me that when we get home every year, I cannot even think about going again.
But January hits and the months of each new year start to slide by and the closer it ekes to summer, the more I think to myself that I can handle it again. The time is too precious to waste. I want my nieces and nephews to know me, personally. I want my kids to have good bonds with their cousins. They have a lot of cousins their age and it matters to them and to me that they get to be together.
So we do it. I do not regret it even though it takes up most of our summer and we miss our friends in Nashville a ton when we are gone. I do not regret it because I get to sit and chat with my mom and dad on my sister’s porch in a summer rainshower at the base of a beautiful mountain. I get to see a double rainbow and watch my kids and nephew and nieces dance in the street. I get to hold my brand new baby niece who I just met. I get to chat with my Uncle about life and all its complexities. I get to sit on my grandma’s couch and laugh over fun memories. I get to be with my sisters and my brother. I get to hug my dad who had a heart attack earlier this year. I get to take my kids to my favorite coffee shops and to visit their great-grandparent’s graves. I get to hold my husband’s hand while we drive across this beautiful country watching countless sunsets and sunrises from places like the top of a houseboat in Lake Powell and the top of a mountain in Colorado.
Sunrise from the top of the houseboat in Lake Powell, UT
Time is a gift.
Time is a curse. It keeps sliding and slipping away. These trips we take every summer feel like they are getting closer and closer. They come at an increasingly rapid speed and, while I know they are all 11 months apart-those months are slipping like sand through a sieve and we cannot stop the train. It will keep on chugging along the tracks, and we don’t have a way to stop it or slow it down.
We take the time we can get because it is a non-renewable resource.
I am here, now. I want to have the time in my life be spent doing the things that matter to me. I want to be with the people that matter to me.
In the end, how I spent my time will be how I spent my life.
Sending love to you out there in the ether.
Stef