Now, it may seem obvious to you. It has always been known to me that we all grow up. Which means even my kids will, eventually be adults.
That is a fact that I have always been very aware of. Even when I chose their names, I wanted to make sure they felt like adult names. Not just silly baby names. Babies do not keep, as they say.
I think about my kids as human beings in different phases or seasons. I know they will spend most of their life as adults and I try and treat them like people, not just kids. I speak openly with them about things and don’t shroud life in a lot of mystery. I answer their questions and encourage them to think for themselves. I apologize. I listen. I care about their emotions and I let them have a say in how things go. We are a part of a team. I am the team leader, along with Matt, and we get the final say in a lot of things but we are both keenly aware that that will not always be the case.
However…
Last week my 2 oldest kids, ages 14 and 11, flew across the country to spend 5 days in Utah with my sisters and mom for “Aunt Camp.” All cousins on my side of the family who are 10 or older can attend and this was the inaugural year. They had the time of their lives.
While they were gone my youngest, age 8, got invited to have a double sleepover with her good friend and her family. They went to the pool, the movies and had movie nights and played games. We dubbed it “Adaline camp” and she had a blast while her sisters were away.
So, for 2 days Matt and I didn’t have any kids with us. We did manage to go out to a fancy anniversary dinner- 3 months late, 16 years married- but we mostly had work and other engagements that we had to meet and our days were still jam packed.
But at night… it was so quiet. I woke up in the mornings and kept listening at the door for the sound of kid/tween/teen footsteps that didn’t come. And let me tell you, it was weeeeiiiiirrrrrddddddd. I know that in another 10-15 years we will be empty nesters. And I know how quickly these years are passing. But it was a reality check that there will actually be a literal day where we will wake up and they will all be gone. For real. There will be visits and grandkids, if that is the choice they make, but it will mostly be just the 2 of us.
It made me feel so many things. A quiet house with people in it is still buzzing with presence and energy. But the empty house? It made me feel like Harry, Ron and Hermione in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when they arrive at Grimmuald Place and Hermione does the Homenum Revelio spell. “We are alone,” she says.
(Photo from Warner Brothers Studios)
Someday there will be a day where I will look for them plodding down the hallway in their sock feet, sitting at the table eating cereal, snuggling on their mattresses in our room on Christmas morning with anticipation, and they will not be there.
My heart aches.
All of the sudden the realness of it hit me. Knowing something and comprehending it are two very different things.
My youngest is 8. We still have at least a decade of kids at home. But I think about a decade ago when they were 4 and almost 2 and I was about to be pregnant with the 3rd. Life was so different and yet, it feels like we were just there. Decades pass like years these days.
I am now mentally checking in with myself. Am I pursuing the things that bring ME joy and light ME up? Am I making sure that I am seeking a rich life that exists fully as myself? Regardless of the status of my nester or empty nester status, am I looking for creative ways to live?
I know that the ache of them being gone will be real. I know they will still be here and I am working hard to parent them in relationships where they will still want me around even if they don’t need me anymore. Nothing will change the grief of the time when they leave home and don’t return except to visit.
But I hope that they will want to be around me. I will still want them. Always. I want to be in their lives and I want to keep witnessing them in all their humanness. What a gift it is to be their mom!
As the great philosopher Ferris Bueller says, “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and take a look around once in awhile, you could miss it.”
My goal is to keep taking a look around and enjoying the journey of where I am at with my kids in each Season of Life. Our Seasons of Love.
Sending love to you out there in the ether,
Stef
Here is a tender song I used to listen to a lot in the early days of Motherhood.