Exhaustion: 1. a state of extreme physical or mental fatigue. 2. the action or state of using something up or of being used up completely.
My friends, I am used up. I am extremely mentally fatigued. I am tired tired tired. I feel like the last 8 years in particular have been one thing after another on a hamster wheel of hard. Covid, of course, but also so many other things. It is too tiring for me to even list them all right now. Let me just say that I have been on a personal journey of awakening to a lot of things. Ways that I have been used and ways that I have used others. It is a constant learning and also transformative way of living.
And lately I have noticed some things about myself. I get overwhelmed very quickly in crowded, loud spaces. Restaurants with lots of music and people and noise used to not bother me that much. Now I can barely concentrate on the person in front of me and I have had to cut a few lunches with friends short because I started to feel dizzy, and my heart was racing and I needed to get out of the situation to ground myself. I do have anxiety, and I know this is mostly what I am experiencing but it used to not bother me and now it does. I really am a person who likes to be an active listener and I focus very hard on my friend I am at lunch or dinner with but it starts to be really tough to concentrate when the background noise is too much.
I have been thinking about another reason why this is happening now, and I have a theory. My brain is in a constant state of information overload. I am engaging on social media daily where I get a lot of news and stay connected to family and friends as well as some great outlets for creativity and dissociation when that is needed. I am emotionally managing a lot of people’s schedules and lives around me. My 3 kids who are in 3 different schools. My clients for cleaning and coaching. My husband’s schedule logistics which I do not manage but need to be aware of to make things work logistically for our family.
But I am not here to justify why I feel burned out or exhausted. I just am. I am realizing that I am craving silence. The quiet of being out in nature with no planes flying overhead. The babbling of a brook without the rush of needing to get back to perform another daily task-again.
I am endlessly exhausted by the daily deluge of dishes, laundry, chores, filling the gas tank, driving to and from and from and to a million places a week.
I come from a large family of origin. I am the 3rd of 6 kids. I am someone who always tends to do little tasks that I notice need to be done. Growing up, I saw how frustrated my mom got when the house was messy and she felt like she was the only one doing the same tasks over and over again. Taking out the trash, changing the toilet paper rolls, gathering dirty dishes etc. I spent a lot of my tween and teenage years doing things like cleaning the house when she was gone or doing dishes or taking out trash when I wasn’t asked so that it took some of the burden off of her. She always was so grateful. I remember her saying to me that if anything ever happened to her she needed me to remember to empty the lint trap in the dryer because she didn’t think anyone else that lived in our house would ever do it. I didn’t forget that. I checked it every time I did laundry. I started cleaning up other people’s messes often. I shared a room with my youngest sister for many years. I did a lot of picking up after her too. She was 8 years younger than me and didn’t care when she was little about the cleanliness of our room. She is a very clean and organized person now as an adult. I like to think I influenced her a bit in that regard.
My point is, because of my personality, I tended to clean up after other people. A lot.
And, friends, I need a break. My kids are my favorite. AND, I am tired of cleaning up messes that are not mine. They clean up after themselves a lot and do a good job doing their chores etc. And I still do a lot of cleaning and picking up after them. I get it. I also think some of them are neurodivergent in some ways and I know that contributes to lack of notice of clutter and messes.
I don’t have judgement that other people do not feel the need to have things as tidy as I do or as organized. I also have learned to let a lot of those things go over the years, but I am just so tired.
I know it’s my responsibility to set the boundaries I need to not do so much cleaning and picking up after others, literally and figuratively and I am working on that. In the meantime: I am just so buried.
I need a 5-year nap. I need a trip to Bali. I need a week in a cabin in the woods with no internet. I need a break.
I need the bubbling dam of information overload under the surface of my brain to just slow the eff down. Please.
*deep breath*
I also don’t really need a solution today. I know I will figure it out. I just need a place to say, I am exhausted. Overwhelmed. In the weeds. Buried. Burned out. Tired.
If you are too, you’re not alone.
Hang in there.
Solutions will be shared at a later date. Today is the day to allow for complaining.
Sending love to you out there in the ether.
Stef