Let me start by saying that I am a fairly confident person. I know some people default to non-confidence. I usually am the opposite. I am not afraid to speak up in a group or ask a question—as long as it’s a topic I am fairly familiar with anyway. I am not shy about singing in front of a group or speaking to a crowd. I will say the uncomfortable truths even if it makes the room quiet for a minute.
I have been given compliments my whole life from other women about how confident I am. Which, by the way, can be seen as a backhanded situation for sure. Most of the time when people are saying “Wow! How are you so CONFIDENT?” They are mostly thinking of the reasons why you shouldn’t be… like the fact that I am a woman and I have a body that is considered on the ‘plus’ size (I’m typically an XL or 16/18), or I am not someone with a PhD in front of my name. There are many reasons why women are told not to be confident. *cough cough* PATRIARCHY *cough cough*
But despite all of those, my default is fairly confident.
Except for all the times when I am not. When I am filled with self-doubt, imposter syndrome, fear, anxiety and the absolute LACK of confidence. Which is actually quite often, my friends. And you know what I realized? Most people lean towards these feelings of self-doubt than not. There are just those who do things in spite of them or have built a practice around acting instead of allowing the thoughts to make them freeze.
A lot of our confidence has to do with context. I was talking with my husband, Matt and our oldest daughter the other night. She is 13. Anyone remember being 13? Confidence is something that we all are severely lacking at that age. We are in a constant state of turmoil and questioning our own validity as a human being. We are out looking for evidence on the daily to prove that we are NOT worthy all the while seeking places that make us feel belonging and those things are very complex. Especially with the hormones of puberty raging and the world being full of actual daily turmoil. Life can be so hard for a 13 year old.
Matt was trying to encourage our daughter to not be afraid to fill up the space around her. She told us how she doesn’t even want to sing loudly because she feels like it’s too showy and she is just being cocky if she does so. Convincing her it is okay to take up space has been a constant thing in her life for a few years. She doesn’t have a problem when other people around her take up space but she struggles thinking she is worthy of it.
Does this sound familiar? I think it is a constant struggle for many of us.
Context matters. I am very confident when talking to my friends about Mothering or Parenthood. I am confident discussing music or social justice topics. But I recently was able to help facilitate some workshops for an Executive Coaching project I am working on and, to be honest, it was tough for me to feel like I deserved to be there. I am qualified. I took the same trainings as these other people. I have a year of experience under my belt with this specific cultural coaching and yet… I had this constant voice in my head telling me I didn’t deserve to be there. I was not someone who should be leading in this context. I needed to shut up and let the “real” professionals do the work.
Despite this, I pushed through. I said thank you to my inner critic. I know she is trying to protect me from public ridicule. I know she is thinking of me. And, I didn’t need her to protect me in that moment.
After the workshops and one-on-ones were complete my Colleague, who brought me on for this project, pulled me aside and told me I was doing a wonderful job. She thanked me for my hard work and vulnerability. I was able to have some beautiful conversations with clients and co-workers and received excellent feedback. Whew!
Does this mean that next time I will not have that inner voice telling me I am not good enough?? hahahahahaha! That’s funny.
This voice has been with me my entire life. As long as I can remember. She isn’t going anywhere. BUT, the power over my choices is not hers anymore. It’s mine. I will listen to her and send her love and allow her to try and protect me. But she will not dictate what I do or who I become.
I allow myself to be seen. I allow myself to show up imperfectly. I allow myself to make mistakes. I allow myself to be human.
Confidence is cultivated IN SPITE of that inner critic. We must work towards our goals in conjunction with the self-doubt. We must not allow it to take charge of our lives.
“The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence.” Blake Lively
“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” Maya Angelou
A song that makes me feel confident: