I threw myself a party. I did it. I decided what I wanted it to be, (a 1940’s themed cocktail party), I made a list of intentions and I pulled it off. Not alone, of course. Matt helped a ton. My kids helped. My siblings helped by showing up and cleaning my house and dressing up on theme. My friends helped by giving their home for the kids to have a party at since mine was adults only. My village showed up. I have so much to process as I am learning that letting ourselves be loved out loud and in such a huge way may be one of the hardest things in the world. I have an emotional hangover from it all in so many multi-colored ways. I will talk more about that in the future but today I wanted to share the writing piece that I wrote and shared at my party. I read this piece out loud to my guests which included friends and family from 5 different states.
This is 40
I read this in an audio file that is at the bottom of the page if you want to listen and read.
Here is what I wrote.
4 decades: a reflection
I recently spent an entire evening reading parts of my old journals to my daughters. I watched their faces light up with joy and curiosity. They asked questions and marveled at the memories I shared. Re-enactments of normal days that, at the time felt like nothing special. Now, these books contain a story. The story of my life. The normal, ordinary days have added up to 40 years of the most important and least significant moments of my little corner of existence. The girls laughed at silly memories of me and their dad in our dating years. They exclaimed when they heard the name of someone they now call aunt, or uncle or mom’s best friend. They marveled at how the mundane can become magical when allowed time and perspective.
2 of them started journals that night. I tell you now what I told them then. Your life matters. Your words, matter. Your story should be the most important story that you tell. You should be the greatest love of your life. Share your love, share your joy, your sorrow and pain with others. The heaviest weights are made lighter by allowing others to help us carry them. Write down your days. Photograph your ordinary moments. Document your milestones and make a big deal out of the things that matter to you! My life in some ways looks the same as it did ten years ago. But in other ways it is completely different because I am. I am changed from who I was. The way I view the world and the things I believe are more expanded. I seek for more expansion in the coming years. More opening up and learning and growth. More teaching and leading and being unafraid to be seen.
To you, my friends and family. You all are in my life because of love. Because in large or small ways you show me love and you receive the love I have for you. Thank you for this reciprocal dance. It has become a treasure I hold so dear.
My siblings: you hold a part of my story no one else can touch. Thank you for being part of the building blocks that make me who I am today.
My parents: thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for loving me even when you don’t understand my choices or my focus. Thank you for giving me my brother and sisters.
My husband: love is not love which alters when it alteration finds or bends with a remover to remove. Oh no, it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. Thank you for loving me so well and so wholly.
My soul twin: you are so important to me and make my life so much better. Having a relationship like ours is truly once in a lifetime. Our love and connection never ceases to amaze me. That we get to do this life together is something I will never take for granted.
My women friends: you have provided a safe place for me to process and share while I am awakening to newer versions of myself. Thank you.
This life would be nothing without all of you.
Thank you.
I also read this to you if you want to listen.
I will add this one thing. Throw yourself the God damn party! You deserve to be celebrated on your journey. Make it unique to you. Maybe it’s a small intimate dinner with 2 close friends. Maybe it’s a 200 person-strong yacht bash in the south of France. Maybe it’s watching a movie with popcorn, candy and pj’s with your family. Throw the party! You deserve the love and the celebration.
Sending love to you out there in the ether.
Stef
An appropriate quote:
“The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and story-tellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland.” -LM Montgomery-
An appropriate song: